Anne Lastman

Recently an email arrived followed by a call which I  answered to the very best of my ability but it requires more work which I hope and we planned for about 4 weeks from now.  I have her permission to write on this her letter (I have changed several aspects for privacy purposes) .  Apart from her short life experience she spoke about something which I am very interested in but few, if any, of the prolife workers seem to agree with. She spoke of her attendance at a prolife meeting with a known speaker who I personally believe is not helping in the least.  She is a very good activist but I believe causes more harm. People’s eyes glaze when she starts. Not that what she says is untrue but mostly women cant cope, especially if there is an abortion in their life or someone else’s life whom  they know.

Someone has said that the prolife work is in a mess/shambles and I also believe that to be so. We have moved from being people of life to a people, like the pro-abortion lobbyists, who speak  in a confrontational manner.  A manner which is not pro life but pro “look at me.”

Our charism is “life” but not demeaning, attacking, shocking, (expressive) frightening language, and as far as I know about pro life charisms, I believe that the Helpers of God’s Precious Infants, founded by Mons Phillip Reilly (RIP) had understood pro life work in the way it should be. To love both mother and baby.  Not to attack mother or do  anything to psychologically hurt mother further, because there would come a time when she would understand what she had done. This charism does all to save the baby and mother and others involved.  This charism doesn’t speak to a woman saying the abortions are done by dismembering the baby, crushing its head. Pulling baby out bit by bit and in pieces etc.  Anyone who’s had an abortion cannot ever remove these images and words from ears and mind and heart.  

In my own work over nearly 30 years I’ve never used a word which would increase pain. As one who has gone through the experience and having seen photos of dismembered babies, after 30 years I haven’t forgotten the images. Yes, I believe I have been truly forgiven but the images remain. One cannot un-remember. Describing when a conception becomes a “foetus” and aborting at that stage is also unhelpful because most women who go for abortion haven’t googled “abortion” they google “abortion” and read and see what abortion does after the procedure.  

Speaking about the methods used for late term abortion causes terror when the woman, who regrets her decision, thinks about the pain she caused her baby because of her own decision, though lack of knowledge at the time.  Instant traumatisation .Abortion grief  is like no other because it is considered intentional and not accidental or reasons unknown, and grief  if understood is an emotion which can be seen as divine gift, of repentance. 

The human person’s vast capacity for more humanness, more understanding, respectful warmth, is unarguably the asset best needed and best utilised in the area of grief.  It’s necessary to be fully human and be able to enter into the essence of the grieving individual and accompany the person through this particular part of their life journey.  At times it becomes necessary to also enter into the mourner’s deep chaos, in order to be able to help the griever to move, and this means helping her to reconcile with what happened. The goal of ‘grief work’  is the work of re integration of the woman back into life but also taking with her the new experience and its effect.  Grief work, where understood and permitted is a health-restoring experience.  Optimally, grief work either in tandem with an experienced therapist who understands abortion grief or with significant others will encourage a look to the future whilst laying to rest and disengaging from the past experience.  Grief work permits the remodelling and reshaping of the griever so that the new entity/woman emerging will be the same, but at the same time different, because the difference will have its locus in the grief experience  .

The pro-life movement, I believe, has become an angry movement just like the abortion movement.  If we are to begin to regain our real and true charism it’s time to take stock (look at what has been done) and learn how to do better, love better both mother and child, and when this happens the abortive woman won’t consider abortion again. As a global prolife movement, we need to gather all together and set God’s loving plan for love and life. 

The pro-abortion movement has clear understanding and globally all use same language so it coalesces into one huge understanding “we  women demand autonomy over our bodies. My body my choice” 

The pro-life movement also needs to have a clear understanding of what it stands for and globally use same language so that it becomes one voice for life and a loud one at that. 

Perhaps I had the best part of this tragedy which is abortion.  I was able to gather the broken human being, and like mosaic, piece by piece help the human being grieving over terrible mistake, and help to glue them together again, not like before, but most times better than before. 

This letter from Jennifer is important because it shows the effects of  abortion on a woman and the language, and perhaps today, I understand why priests refuse to speak about abortion at Masses. However, somehow it has to be done because sitting in pews there will always be victims being haunted by what happened language and descriptions read about or heard on social media.   But this to be done in a manner which loves both mother and baby.  We need to really turn to God  (creator of life)and our Blessed mother to please help us become people of life and not people of anger. 

This recent (week ago) letter is also important because anyone who reads Jennifer’s story can see the very things I have spoken about, but this time from a victim herself. 

Finally, she asks the question “where do people like me fit in” My answer,  we fit into life work “bloom where you are planted” I would say. Violent ungracious language, anger, do not fit in pro life work.  We deal with life. All life redeemed by Jesus. At every opportunity speak about life (No self-disclosure needed) and its value in God’s eyes.  Remember Mons Reilly’s idea to save the mother and baby and maybe future children of the woman.  If really being called to this important work the Lord will open the pathways, doorways, and people will walk through.  There’s no magic wand just persistence, loving the person who is in pain and remembering that the one hurting has been given a life and her story may be important to someone  she doesn’t even know.

“Thank you, Anne, for your time and for agreeing to read my email. I recently read your book Redeeming Grief, and wanted to express my gratitude for your deep, personal and insightful work. It truly helps people like me and those who seek to understand the truth about abortion and the pro-life movement. 

To begin, I’d like to introduce myself briefly. I am 45 years old and have a 20-year-old daughter who is a mother of two boys both of whom are precious blessings in our lives. I am married to John who has four children, so we have a lovely, blended family. I am the youngest of six children. I feel blessed with two wonderful parents who raised us with faith, and a Catholic upbringing. I am truly grateful for my upbringing—my parents are amazing and certainly live out their faith. I married later in life. I feel this was because I struggled to let people, especially men, get close to me due to multiple traumas from my relationships. I experienced domestic violence at a young age and lost my son at 26 weeks gestation when I was just sixteen and half years of age.

Following that relationship, I found myself engaging in casual and meaningless relationships. When I was 28, I met another man and quickly discovered I got pregnant. He was adamant that I should terminate the pregnancy. I always considered myself anti-abortion, knowing it meant ending a child’s life. However, looking back now, I realise I didn’t fully grasp the complexities of abortion and why some people choose it. I had a black-and-white view: it was just wrong. To this day, I can hardly believe I found myself in that situation, and I’m sure many women share that same feeling. Part of me feels like I’ve gained an insight I never wanted, if that makes sense. 

Unfortunately, I gave in to the pressure. The father of the baby insisted on termination, and despite my past traumas, nothing prepared me for the level of trauma that abortion inflicted on me. Tragically, I complied with the pressure put on me to abort.my child who died by abortion. I have since endured profound pain; I remember many times when I cried uncontrollably, feeling that the grief was palpable, coming from the very depths of my being. Like any mother who has lost a child, I grieve deeply. Though I didn’t want to be pregnant, I now understand that motherhood is much more complex and deeper than we know. Our children are a part of us, and that day, a part of me was taken away. Despite the support I’ve received in my healing journey, I feel I may never find complete closure here on earth. However, by the grace of God, I strive to live my life as best as I can, trusting that He and my child have forgiven me. 

Now, onto the reason for my message. I am very interested in becoming involved in the pro-life movement, which I believe is fundamentally true and supportive of women. However, I often feel lost in these spaces. For instance, I recently attended an event where the speaker responded to a question about the spiritual warfare surrounding this issue. And methods used to abort. The dialogue was so distressing that it again  triggered trauma and pain.  I cried all the way home and didn’t really sleep.

I believe you could provide insight on how women like me can engage in this movement without being retraumatised. While I want to participate, I often question whether this space is right for me. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of putting myself through experiences like the one I had the other night, it’s awful and I’m mindful of what it does to other women/people who carry this. If this isn’t the right environment, I wonder where women like me fit in—those of us who may not want to engage in the strong/confrontational descriptive language used. I understand the importance of that approach, but it deeply resonates with those of us who have firsthand experience of how horrific abortion can be. How do we protect people like me, who carry that lived experience? Are these pro-life groups inadvertently causing harm to the very individuals who could speak to this issue? Furthermore, how can a person address these topics when they are grappling with at times that palpable trauma? I know I would find it very difficult.  

I currently work as a senior mental health clinician and serve as the Assistant Director of Nursing. After my abortion, I made changes in my life because I no longer wanted to continue living as I had been or allow men into my life in the same way. I studied and earned post graduate qualification in nursing and mental health, Although it was the worst experience of my life, that trauma also motivated me to make substantial changes. Ultimately, I owe my healing and forgiveness to our Lord and Savior, who has been with me through the darkest times, shining His beautiful light in my life.

I understand that this is a heavy with complex questions, I actually think it’s really hard to answer. 

Again, I truly appreciate your work in this field and value any of your insights.

Many thanks    Jennifer K.

Used with permission.