Anne Lastman

The death of a child is the saddest and most devastating experience possible and appears incomprehensible and unfair.  The death leaves those left behind incomplete and with so many questions. So many whys. Irrespective of the manner of the dying, accident, sickness, severely challenged, abortion and miscarriage, the death (even when expected) numbs survivors. Death always leaves behind unanswered questions; however, the death of a child freezes the human mind and spirit and calls into question the reality of a “Just God” It doesn’t make sense.

Miscarriage of a pregnancy is the ending of a new life and perception of the grief experienced following the loss is unvalidated grief, or as Kenneth Doka would call it unrecognised or avoided. Disenfranchised Grief (Doka, 1989)

 Dr K, Doka has termed unvalidated grief, e.g. Miscarriage, abortion, pet loss, job loss, even, dare I say it, death of a partner of a homosexual couple, as a grief which he found very much exists but is not, cannot be spoken about especially when shame is present.  Disenfranchised grief, grief which is deep and at  times lifelong (I’ve never forgotten my baby-miscarried 42 years ago) but is a grief which is really not acknowledged by society and indeed makes family, friends, and society feel uneasy to discuss or even commiserate and offer sympathy.

When there is a death that is accepted, anticipated, even understood why it has happened including accidents, there is an understanding that there is a time of coming to terms with loss and its ensuing grief, mourning, withdrawal. Time to self-console.  

There are rituals which accompany the death and these rituals help to remember with honour the life story of the deceased and assist the mourners to cope with their loss and the fact of the disengagement. Rituals vary from culture to culture. E.g. Japanese women have a ritual called “Mizuko Kuyo” (water baby- amniotic fluid?) a ritual for infants who have died in utero. (miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth) This is a source of comfort for those mothers who mourn. A place where mothers go to be with and weep for their lost child. A mother visits her child, now named, in what are termed “miscarriage graveyards” and signs of her visiting, toy, gift are left for her child. These places of remembrance are not hidden of judged as they are in Western society but expected and honoured. 

 In village settings, and the death of a child the mother picks her child up carrying him/her to their home (if out) cleaning him, putting on his best clothes and holding him as if he was sleeping and not waking up. No tears.  These come later, but at the time no tears (frozen in grief). She would carry child to place of burial usually family property (55 years ago- this day there the usual cemeteries) and leave him behind to be buried by other family members, and she left. A picture of him framed but covered over with white cloth during day and candle at night. And at night in silence, she sat with him. Not wailing but silent rolling tears. Western society colour for mourning is usually black as a sign of bereavement, whilst Asian countries wear white. Blue, Red, Purple, Orange are also used in various nations this indicating the meaning of their belief as to where the deceased one goes to.

 Disenfranchised grief is like the disenfranchised population which Pope Francis reached out to. The unwanted, ignored, street people, hungry, the dirty, throwaways. Those who clean streets, who eat from rubbish bins, and polite society turn their face away and pretend these don’t exist.  Non-existent. Again, as with abortions, miscarriage, stillbirth, suicides, we look the other way and not speak about it situation. 

Miscarriage and abortion are similar in some ways. However, differences exist between the two though both are in utero deaths, but in one there is intent (abortion) and other no intent (miscarriage). Another difference with miscarriage is that there is usually a quick vocalised “sorry for your loss” by those who knew about the pregnancy and expression of the sadness of the loss. Abortion, not one word is of support for mother or father is expressed. Quickly suppressed. No grief expected. Miscarriages, especially those of early gestation (conception -17 weeks) have at times, like abortion, been called “products of conception” a refusal to say baby even to parents. I have been told that it’s to save parents from more pain by saying (baby). Product of conception” has no image. Baby has a universal image. But this seems to be a lame excuse for not understanding this type of grief. 

In an attempt to be thoughtful, friends and family who withdraw and cannot find words to say, actually wound parents of a miscarried baby much more than saying words of comfort. Speaking about the baby. Giving the baby acknowledgement of its existence even for a short time, memory, regard, compassion for its coming and early going, and though not intentionally meant the avoidance causes more confusion and grief because it’s as if the baby never existed and thus causing more grief.  It seems best to pretend that that infant did not exist.

It has been said to me during counselling a woman who had had two miscarriages that she felt treated like she had been at fault for the death. Felt contagious like a leper. Felt isolated, and as I thought about this, I pondered on what might be the reason for such behaviour. Friends and family and generally even unknown people who hear about the death of an in-utero child don’t mean to be unkind or uncharitable but I suspect that it has more to do with death itself. A fear of death. A fear that death is not selective. A fear that to be too close to death makes one introspect.  It’s a reminder that death is an unknown and final and whilst we are people who believe in God and an afterlife, the reality is that it’s unknown. We see the mechanics of death but do not see the afterlife. Death has imprinted into it fear and I suspect this is a long-ago memory of a promised of death. It’s something not thought about on a day-to-day basis but when death visits us, our family or friends, then this is a trigger for that long ago memory to be recalled.  So, my thinking is that what appears as a failure by friends and family to commiserate is an unspoken of fear of that unknown state called death.

For the parents, they have lost a son or daughter. Future. Plans. Names. Nursery plans. Schools, education plans, holiday plans. Happiness of nights lying next one another imagining what their child would be like, look like. Colour hair. Eyes. A whole creation and its future.  For others some solicitude,  words and sad hugs, expressions shown but then return to their own homes and even distance themselves as if a miscarriage is contagious, and the couple are left behind trying to make sense of what happened.  Platitudes like “It must have had something wrong with It.”  and “You are young enough to have another one” and even “it was God’s will” are insensitive.  As if this one they lost meant so little to them and can be replaced to easily. 

For siblings, especially little ones, trying to explain that they wouldn’t be having a brother or sister because “it’s gone to heaven to be with Jesus” can be disastrous.  My counselling of 5 yr old little girl who was told this developed a deep anger against Jesus. It’s her baby “brother” not his  baby. I want my brother back!  My counselling with her was through drawing work, both of us lying tummy down, on floor of my office and drawing what she was feeling.  For many many sessions only images of stick figures of children lying down amidst  flowers and crosses were drawn. These I kept to make booklet for her at the end of our sessions to keep as a memory of her brother called Jack. This counselling on the floor continued for months till slowly the number of  stick children lessened, crosses lying on ground lessened and finally a house with stick figures of mummy and daddy and herself and her baby brother Jack holding her hand  (miscarried baby) emerged with a big sunshine over them.  It took months of weekly sessions to help her reconcile and slowly lessen her anger over her loss. Children are usually forgotten where disenfranchised grief is concerned. Older children also react in a different ways. Silence. Anger. Refusal to believe. Anger with mum and dad. Acting out. Other types of grievers of a disenfranchised bereavement react in similar ways.

There is great need for understanding what grief actually means. Grief is a  loss of a shared “me” A gifted  part of me has gone forever. This is why rituals are necessary. To accept, reconcile and complete a life story. I’ve developed three different ones. One Catholic, a Baptist, Protestant one, and a beautiful non-religious one. Exquisite.  They help to say hello and then goodbye, in sadness, but spoken love to the deceased. Just as the author of the article who was inspired to call his child  “Agnes” which was the  Holy Spirit’s whisper to assure them that their child’s name is written in the Book of Love. This occurs even when I ask an abortive woman to name her child and how to do this especially important work.  It never fails.

The world is covered with a canopy of grief and we need to do much better. Society has advanced so much but along the way lost the knowledge of what has been written on human hearts. Love and its expression.